Christmas conditions to be aware of.....

Christmas is a time for happiness and celebrating, but it isn't without it's risks.  As always, awareness of the risks helps with prevention, so see below for the common conditions that may put a downer on your festive season.

Hypoteleconfectionaria – a rapid onset of deep sleep in the afternoon of Christmas Day, usually after getting through 2/3rds of a box of Quality Street while watching a Bond movie (can also be known as ‘007 syndrome').  Sufferers may exhibit such symptoms as snoring, muttering about stuff, and notable periods of immobility, attacks of this condition are usually preceded by intense rustling of wrappers.  The condition is usually self-limiting but may be relieved by cups of strong tea.

Unilateral Bicipital-alcotendonitis – A commonly seen repetitive strain problem in one upper arm that mostly appears after periods of time where the sufferer exhibits pain while repeatedly raising an object (usually a glass of some sort) up to head height (also known as ‘Birthday Bicep’ or ‘Saturday Shoulder’).  This condition may take several days to appear and patients may not avoid the aggravating action for some time afterwards.  Symptoms include, arm and shoulder pain, slurring of words, singing, and a distinctive smell of port.  People who suffer this type of condition either stop the painful action by themselves, or are instructed by others nearby to ‘leave it alone for a bit’  or asked ‘don’t you think you’ve had enough?’

Duofacial-phobia – (‘Two Face Syndrome’ or ‘First World Problem Disorder’).  This is a painful mental condition that is brought on by the fear of having to lie about how glad you are to receive a wholly inappropriate or unsuitable gift.  Sufferers can be heard to exclaim sentences like ‘Thank you, my toddler will love this hunting knife’, or ‘My favourite grandson always gets me what I need, I love my new skateboard’.  Extreme facial pain can be a feature as the episodes are associated with excessive grinning and forcing words out through clenched teeth.  The residual sadness can later be dissipated by selling the affecting items online.

Heidi Rearden from Bath

Lumbogobbleovenspasia – Commonly known as ‘Turkey Back’, this is seen mostly in people who are cooking for a large family at Christmas and are required to lift an extremely heavy cooked turkey out of a low oven.  Symptoms include an acute onset of back pain, swearing, and shouting ‘can I have some bloody help please?’  Some sufferers may not get relief from this condition until they are treated by their local osteopath, however some may miraculously recover.  The ones who seem to have least pain soon after develop a significant risk of Unilateral Bicipital-alcotendonitis, although the link is not clear. (Just to be clear, this one does actually happen!!)

Family/Friend Fatigue Syndrome (usually abbreviated to FFS) – This is a chronic enthusiasm limiting condition that has a gradual onset punctuated by bouts of extreme anger and possibly crying.  Early warning signs of the development of this syndrome include political discussions with relatives, attempting to choose a movie ‘that everyone can watch’, and conversations about ‘how long before they go home’?  This condition can be alleviated by going for a walk, or lying down in a quiet room, alone, with wine.  Symptoms are resolved by removing oneself from the proximity of the aggravation but may reoccur on an annual basis….

Stay safe, and Merry Christmas!

Jay and Sheena.

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